A number of instructors find it a challenge to get couples to practice their skills between sessions. In a previous CC Information Exchange, we asked for ideas about how to encourage practice, plus we asked Sherod to comment, as well. We think you will find the responses helpful.
Ed Koplin and his wife Mary are certified CC instructors in Maryland. Ed uses humor, and says, "We call our students at home in between sessions to encourage them. I generally ask if they have put the mats down on their floor to see if the color matches or clashes with their flooring. We don't want people using the mats if the color needs to be exchanged for a better match with their existing carpet. That generally gets the conversation going and gets the point across without being "in their face" about using the mats. In most cases people are too conflicted the first week or so to get on the mats. I always ask if there is anything we can pray about with them, or for them. Keeping the conversation light and slightly humorous helps. I want them to know that we are there for them and want the best for them."
Ed continues, "If at all possible I like to get the husbands at home, or at work. (Generally, the wives need less encouragement.) I like to share about using the communication skills at work or in other situations that are not marital. That also seems to encourage them that these are life skills, not just marriage skills."
Hope Demertzis, a certified CC instructor in Long Island, NY, says, "To get couples to practice between sessions, I create an assignment sheet that I give them at the time they purchase the CC I Couple Packets from me. I go over the assignment sheet with them and enclose two copies in their packet. This sheet lists the materials in the packet (with boxes to check them off one by one), and then it lists assignments for Week 1, Week 2, etc. Each week's assignment is broken down this way: READING, WRITING (if applicable), REVIEW, PRACTICE. There is a check box next to each part of the assignment to allow each partner to keep tabs of the individual work done, plus the couple work necessary. Of course, I make a (dramatic) big deal over how important their time investment is to the success of the program and how necessary the assignments, especially the practice, are while they have me working with them and coaching them on technique. Then I emphasize that one learns best by teaching, so I encourage them to teach it to family members or friends when the appropriate week arrives."
Pat Pape, a long-time certified CC instructor in Wheaton, IL, says, "I tell them before they start that they will get as much out of the course as they are willing to put into the course - I tell them I can't MAKE them do it, but I sure recommend it. One of my "eternal" homework assignments is: one hour each week to talk about their relationship - same time each week, if possible. They can fill out an Awareness Wheel beforehand. Second, they spend one-hour minimum of play each week. That is only 2 hours out of 168!"
Don Bartley, a CC certified instructor in Florida says, "I never had any problems with this, because I cover this thoroughly in the Maxi Contract and am open with couples that if they are not going to do their work between sessions that they are wasting their time. It is expected that they do the work in between sessions."
Carrie Taylor, a CC certified instructor in Diamond Bar, CA, says, "I don't get them to practice at home - as I've learned, I can't motivate anyone; they have to motivate themselves. I agree, those that start living this way, (on the mats literally or in their heads) gain the most and experience positive benefits in their lives. The only thing I do is let them know they are paying me for their practice time."
Sherod says he makes it a point to appeal to the men particularly, with comparisons to sports. For instance, he tells them that the football team that wins the Super Bowl each year is the one that is best at the fundamentals, which they practice continuously. Teams that win games are the ones that practice the basics between games. Or he refers to an individual sport, such as golf. People who never practice between lessons they take do not make much progress.
An additional way that Sherod talks about practice is with music. For example, he tells about Ray Charles, who in an interview, said that prior to a show he focused on practicing the scales (the fundamentals) more than the pieces he would play. Ray believed that if he was good at the fundamentals, the music he chose to play would flow more easily. Again, this can be related to couples doing better at Couple Communication if they practice between classes.
Finally, an important point to remember is that all activities
in COUPLE COMMUNICATION classes are voluntary, and if couples
do not wish to practice between sessions, that is their choice.
We do not require them to practice, but try to set the expectation
and encourage them to do so.