Article Archive #25

COUPLE COMMUNICATION Skills Mats and Low Income Couples

Two Federally funded grants were awarded to agencies in Texas for increasing their capacity to teach couples (including low-income couples) effective communication skills. The agencies chose the COUPLE COMMUNICATION program in part because of its unique methodology - Skills Mats. Following are examples of how the CC program - especially the use of the skills mats - has been helpful to low income couples.

After attending COUPLE COMMUNICATION Instructor training, Orlando and Jo Ann Reyes, ministers at the Church Without Walls in "the Hood," (a low income neighborhood in Ft. Worth) taught their first group. The eight Hispanic couples used CC materials translated into Spanish. (A second group is already enrolled.)

Jo Ann says, "People can understand it - the mats make it concrete, specific, and in depth. It has been hard to get the couples to go home at the end of the evenings because they are so involved and excited." She gives several reasons why the skill mats work so well as teaching tools:

• Many Hispanic women find it hard to speak up and talk to their husbands about things of importance to them.
  
• On the talking mat, they can be relaxed and not panic or be overwhelmed.
  
• The tool helps them organize what they want to say and not be scattered. They can stay on track and not go off on rabbit trails.
  
• Couples can talk in a rational and respectful way about emotional things. One woman commented, "All of a sudden, my story's respected!"
  
• Using the Listening Cycle lets the partner be free to talk. It prevents "butting-in" and interrupting. You hear your partner out.
  
• Both partners can tell their story (for example, how they handle money) and be heard. As they physically step about the Awareness Wheel, they can freely talk about each piece (data, thoughts, feelings, wants, actions) to cover the issue. One woman said, "Speaking for self on the mat helps me say how things affect me without blaming."

Jo Ann continues, "When someone slips into blaming while standing on the mat, we simply have them step off of the mat. The person has moved out of The Skills Zone. The mats also represent a "safe zone" where we can respectfully talk and listen to each other. Disrespectful communication takes you out of The Skills Zone. Leaving the mats creates active, physical learning so the person can experience the difference between skilled and unskilled communication. You don't have to be Einstein to get it."

The Skills Mats are particularly useful for coaching. Couples have fun observing and coaching each other in the use of skills. The mats provide focus for coaching from the instructor, as well.

Tina Jenkins, a social worker and the Family Life Education Manager at The Parenting Center in Fort Worth, has worked directly with low income families for over 20 years. She first attended COUPLE COMMUNICATION Instructor Training at the Smart Marriages Conference in 2004. Tina says, "I love the mats! Here's why":

• The tools are not intimidating. The interaction on the mats engages partners.
  
• It's good to have the workbook for participants to read, but the mats particularly involve individuals at all socio-economic and academic levels.
  
• The mats are particularly useful with learning disabled and other slow learners.
  
• Actively stepping around the Awareness Wheel engages folks with attention deficit disorder and other challenges to speak at their own pace. They provide focus and organization for people who are "all over the place."
  
• The mats are culturally and diversity neutral. Everyone has unique experiences to share. The mats give permission to communicate feelings and wants assertively instead of being shy and not speaking up.
  
• The listening mat shows how to listen for understanding, especially when an important point has not been heard.

According to Tina, the skills mats are integrative. The problems of many low income individuals and couples are multifaceted and some of the interconnections are overlooked. Working on the mats, participants begin to figure out (interconnect) the roots of a situation, the underlying currents and reoccurring themes that get and keep them stuck. For example, "Unskilled communication -- symbolically 'off of the mats' -- loses jobs and then the basic survival thing impacts their relationship."

Tina also says, "The mats force common courtesy and respect. The only thing some people have heard while they were growing up is name-calling and arguing. They don't know there is an effective alternative. (Watching Jerry Springer doesn't help!) And the skills mats impact how they communicate with their children."

The main thing is people are learning with the immediate and specific constructive feedback. "Mat time" provides practical learning for use in situations when the mats aren't around.

Sheila Boone, Director of Married for Life Program at 1st Choice Pregnancy Resource Center, Texarkana, TX and her husband John, who volunteers at the Center, teach COUPLE COMMUNICATION together. They are finishing up two groups with staff and community volunteers. They have their first low-income group scheduled to begin in a few weeks.

"Our groups are going great." Sheila says, "Men like the mats. I have never seen them open up like this before. With another guy observing and coaching the skills, they learn fast. No one is judging."

The program can be taught to one couple at a time or in group. Sheila has already begun conducting home visits where she teaches COUPLE COMMUNICATION to a couple privately. When kids see their parents on the mats, they want to take their turn and talk too. The mats impact the whole family.

If you have any experiences working with low income partners in COUPLE COMMUNICATION, please let us know.