In a previous CC Info Exchange, we shared pointers on observing and coaching the talking and listening skills (see Article Archives #18 in the Instructor Training section of our web site: www.couplecommunication.com). As part of feedback, giving praise and calibrating the use of the skills were discussed. Here we address another aspect of coaching: commenting on a participant's activity.
Commenting, in the same way as giving praise, occurs after a person's skill practice is completed, and not during it.
Beginning -- To start the commenting:
· Ask the participant who did the practice to comment first on the experience of doing the exercise. This gives a chance for him or her to discharge any negative or positive parts and be the first to frame the event from his or her perspective. Being first also frees the person to be more open to someone else's comments.
· Also, ask the person if he or she would like some feedback. If the answer is yes, and it usually is, ask if there is any special aspect of the practice about which he or she would like feedback.
During -- While commenting, perhaps suggest what could be improved, from your point of view. For example:
· Say, "What I would have like to have seen you do differently…." or "In the future, I think it would be more useful if you…."
· Give data that back up your interpretation of the behavior. To do this, describe specifically what you have seen or heard that led you to the conclusion. Two differing opinions may arise from the same data, and it is more important to identify the particular data than it is to reach agreement about an interpretation. If consensus is important, base it on data.
To draw commenting to a close, consider the following ideas:
· Offer anyone receiving the comments a chance to have the final word, which can be about the feedback or the experience itself.
· Ask observers, as a variation, to comment on what they learned about themselves while they were observing. For example, someone might say, "As you clearly expressed you wants for the other, I realized how seldom I express my wants, no strings attached, for others." When observers also share their own learnings, a comment session becomes more two-way and participatory.
Other suggestions regarding commenting include:
· Let the participants know ahead of an activity that you may do some coaching that will involve you commenting on their skill practice.
· Keep comments brief and descriptive.
· Watch for nonverbal signals that indicate a recipient is getting comments that are helpful. Particularly be alert to the nonverbal response to negative comments, and in any case limit negative comments. Otherwise the receiver may become discouraged, embarrassed, or overwhelmed. If that begins to happen, stop the commenting, and allow the person receiving it to have the last word.
· Use the talking and listening skills yourself to make comments about an interaction/communication process. Note that if you do not use the skills yourself to coach the skills, your incongruence will be very confusing to the person you are trying to coach. (Ongoing self-awareness and congruence are basic characteristics of an effective instructor-coach.)
If you have any experiences about the use of commenting while
coaching the communication skills, which you want to share, please
let us know.