From time to time instructors ask us for pointers or reminders on coaching the talking and listening skills. Coaching is both an art and a craft. Two parts of the craft of coaching involve observing and giving feedback.
In observing, watch for the following:
1) Accuracy of skill use. Examples include knowing the correct zones on the Awareness Wheel when someone is expressing his or her experience about an issue or knowing the particular listening skills as they are being used. Also, looking for accuracy involves noticing apparent confusion, as well. For example, a person may confuse past action with sensory data or a question with an acknowledgement.
2) Completeness (or lack) of the skill set when someone attempts to give experience about an issue. This means knowing if all parts of the Awareness Wheel are covered. It also implies being alert to use of the full cycle of listening skills (not counting asking questions).
3) The nonverbals of the talker and listener. This means observing congruence of words with nonverbals, watching "hot" and "cold" responses, and noticing apparent turning points in an interaction.
4) Whether or not a person who attempts to use the skills does in fact stay with the skills versus stray into unskilled styles (such as into Control, Fight, or Spite Talk, or Reactive Listening).
In giving feedback, it is important to give praise to a participant for skill use. Use data in your praise when possible. For example, after someone has completed practicing (and has stepped off the skills mat), say:
· "I liked how clearly you disclosed your wants for him," or say:
· "You gave some clear acknowledgements, and the nonverbals suggested they fit for her. For instance, I saw her smile when you said...."
Another part of giving feedback is to calibrate the skill being attempted. Here are three ways to calibrate.
1) Align: This means to set a person right who has a mismatch between words and skill (including zone of the Wheel). When using the Awareness Wheel mat, simply point with your foot to the correct spot. For example,
When the person stands on the feeling zone of the Awareness Wheel skills mat and says, "I feel we made a good choice," he or she is stating a thought rather than a feeling. As a coach, use your foot to point to the "Thought" zone, thus aligning the person with the correct zone.
2) Prompt: This means to give a command, usually very brief, to elicit the desired behavior. (Typically, prompting works better on the listening mat, because the listener is usually making eye contact with the talker and aligning with the foot may not be seen.) It can be an audible command, for example,
When a person attempts to use listening skills and continues to attend but does not acknowledge, encourage him or her by saying, "Acknowledge."
3) Model briefly: This means actually taking the part momentarily of a participant to suggest an alternative. For example:
Ask a person who is having difficulty with zones of the Awareness Wheel, "May I be you momentarily?" If the answer is yes, move yourself to a zone about which he or she is confused. For instance, stand on the "Thought" zone and say, "I think we made a good choice." Then move to the "Feeling" zone, and standing there, say, "I'm pleased."
This is actually suggesting possible thoughts or feelings (or some other part of experience). If you do this, watch the person's nonverbals for "hot" or "cold" responses. These can show how accurately your suggestions fit his or her experience. Let the learner decide what fits.
In general, when giving feedback:
· Be very respectful and tactful, so you do not offend
or embarrass anyone.
· Make any feedback specific and brief. Get in and get
out so that the participants do not lose momentum.
As you gain experience with coaching and are alert to the responses
of the participants, you develop the art of being a coach.